I was on the verge of breaking down these last few days when I couldn't really remember how to think straight. I felt betrayed by my own memory cells, not because they have lied to me or anything but for the fact that there is a constant connection to those painful memories over and over again. I think I have been haunted by those agonising memories. I kept on searching for a source of serenity of some sort, tuning to Yiruma often or even Rachmaninoff every now and then, but to no avail.
I read philosophy notes about stoicism (that is a person who is not bothered by unnecessary things), read about justice, morality etc. I found out that I have been dwelling about some very unimportant pieces of life there. What a waste! Life is about how I view what my life is supposed to be. I read back my posts before I got into the Institute of Medicine, I recalled back those days when I was in a paediatric ward and witnessed a Trisomy 13 baby, I even remembered how painful it was to have been constantly seeing a 3 year old boy in the PICU, having had subdural haematoma and the family was there, filled with tears. I remembered my mission, that is to be a neonatal surgeon or a paediatrician at the very least and help my family get out of hardship. I am here to study, to move on, not to be bothered by those stuff. I suddenly realise that even though I have lots of different past experiences, I have a choice whether to still be reminded of them or just completely let go. Besides, I can only work well if I am constantly reminded of my main goals.
So no. I have decided not to break down. I have decided to keep on moving on. As far as philosophy has taught me how to live, I have lived the way I should be living even when life has been so cruel to me often, but life can't be cruel to me if I don't permit life to do so.
Remember Baz,
Neonatal Surgeon.
